Flirting: What Works and What Doesn’t? (2024)

There is an official definition of flirting from the Encyclopedia of Sexual Psychology and Behavior that Wade et al. (2023) developed. In essence, they state that flirting behavior is multifaceted, using behaviors such as verbal cues, non-verbal cues, eye contact, and body postures, and its purpose is to capture the interest of a person you find romantically or sexually attractive.

Flirting can be conscious or subconscious; it is like an innate language that individuals around the globe understand and use to communicate. When scientists explore the origins of flirting as a means of attracting the attention of potential mates, they look back to the period when industrialization began. Until that time, arranged marriages were the norm in the majority of cultures, so attracting a mate wasn’t a goal, but showing readiness for sexual intimacy was. Today, the behaviors that are used to flirt are considered innate and come naturally to most people when in the company of someone they find attractive. However, it's important to recognize when and what flirtation behaviors are appropriate and most likely to be successful.

"Risk Levels" of Flirtation

There are multiple risks involved in flirtation that may affect a person’s decision to flirt and choice of behaviors. Gersick and Kurzban (2014) noted that flirtation could be overt or covert depending on the circ*mstances. For instance, if a person’s self-esteem is shaky, they may be especially covert so as not to suffer humiliation if the signal isn’t picked up by their target. If there is a potential cost to social capital if the flirting is too bold, flirters may tend to be more oblique in their behavior. People must weigh the possible costs of expressing interest alongside the potential benefits.

The quality of a person’s flirtatious behaviors matters a great deal. By intuitively choosing the right behavior at the right time, the flirter is proving their social intelligence, which is a highly attractive trait in potential partners. There’s a fine balance between “fools rush in” and “he who hesitates is lost.” By finding that balance, people are much more likely to be successful in their flirting.

For flirting to be maximally effective, both people need to be in sync, meaning their interactions match in mood, tone, intimacy, and attraction.

How Many Ways Are There to Flirt—Face-to-Face and Online?

There are hundreds of ways that people flirt. From coy tilts of the head (Haj-Mohamadi et al., 2020) to gazing into another’s eyes to reaching up to touch your own hair, to reaching out to touch another person’s shoulder, to compliments, laughter, and the list goes on. In online flirtations, be aware of your use of emojis, and don’t over-express or under-express yourself with these images. Much like in face-to-face conversations, when people are in synch with their emoji use, chemistry is more likely to be experienced between the couple (Nexø & Strandell, 2020). If your chat partner doesn't respond with emojis if you've used them first, it might be best to limit the use of them if you're interested in the connection going deeper.

Mistakes to Avoid

While flirting comes naturally to most people, there are some “natural” behaviors that have an unnaturally negative effect on others, as Apostolou and Eleftheriou (2022) found in their study:

• Vulgarity
• Unattractiveness
• Presumptuous intimacy—too much too soon
• Lacking intelligence
• Narcissistic
• No sense of humor and poor self-esteem
• Being cheap or stingy
• Poor hygiene
• Worldviews/perspectives that are just too different
• Not exclusive enough
• Unappealing or slimy approach

These were all considered deal breakers. Another study (Csajbók et al., 2023) found that the qualities that were the most potent deal breakers in long-term relationships were apathy and grossness. For short-term prospects, being clingy and gross were the most powerfully repellent qualities.

How to Use Flirting to Stake Your Claim?

Depending on gender, we are programmed to seek out a partner who shows they are willing to provide for us and defend us or a partner who appears capable of bearing and caring for the next generation. This can lead to competition for the most promising partner and create rivalries for their attention. In a research study that explored possession-claiming flirtation behaviors, Wade and colleagues (2021) revealed elective behaviors that are used:

• Make eye contact
• Engage in dismissive body language toward a rival
• Get into the target’s personal space and block the rival
• Smile at the target
• Touch the target on their upper body (arm, shoulder, chest) or their leg
• Intentionally brush against the target
• Make sure they are in their target’s line of sight
• Flirt with others to evoke jealousy in the target
• Laugh at their jokes
• Wave at the target
• Give the target a hug

Out of all these behaviors, the ones that appeared to be the most effective in keeping rivals at bay were reaching out to touch a person, making eye contact with them, giving them a hug, laughing at their humorous jokes/comments, and physically getting between them and a rival.

In summary, everyone wants to be around people who like them and who they like. So it’s only natural that we prefer the company of a potential partner who believes them attractive, funny, confident, and desirable. The easiest way to do this is to make and hold eye contact, laugh at their wit, make physical contact, such as with a touch on the arm or shoulder, and focus your attention on them. Everyone loves to feel they matter to others, so ask them questions about themselves and show interest in their responses.

References